Yours, mine, ours.

Separation, divorce, remarriage and combining families. Each are stressors. Combining children from previous marriages. Some may reject the new family others may accept. Plus adjusting with custody.  There are so many names for these kinds of families. Blended, step-family, mixed, combined, his and hers. And it’s becoming more and more common.

It begins making rifts in the family. Family members becoming closer, others pulling away. Every family is different and every circumstance is different.

My husband comes from a blended family. He and his brother were brought up by his mom for a few years and then got married to their step-dad and they had two children together. He loves all his brothers the same. And after his mom passed away his step-dad remarried, and combined a total of five kids with another on the way. It is a rocky situation now that my mother-in-law is gone, but the kids still love each other.

Relationships are formed. Rules may contradict and the children maybe treated differently by the biological parent and the step-parent. Another issue children will face is if their parents are negative to one another and/or the step parent. Pitting the children against one or the other. It has a damaging effect on the children.

One thing I found interesting was separated and divorced couples try to get along for the children. But it’s damaging to them. It confuses them and gives them hope that their parents will get back together again. Being civil is enough. There is no need to down the ex-spouse in front of the child.

Circumstances maybe hard, connections maybe broken, some maybe formed. But you can’t give up hope. Invest your time in your family whether you are together, separated or divorced. Love your family.

-Sadie

 

Parenting in a Crazy World.

One thing my parents always let me do was have agency. I could do pretty much anything, as long as I didn’t break the law, or the house rules.

As a marriage and family major, everyone in my class has understood this principal. It just makes sense.

We discuss how can we give children freedom without letting them be in charge, but still letting them choose.

I was sitting in my Women’s Health Class and we were discussing this very issue. And all of sudden somebody asks, “So, if we want to give our kids agency, so they respect us and don’t rebel, do we like not give them a curfew or do they set their own?”

I was dumbfounded! Then I realized, Sadie your parents are different then other parents, and not everyone is studying families of course they aren’t going to discuss this in other classes. I’m not an expert of how to raise kids, but her question just blew my mind!

My teacher had an awesome response on how she dealt with her kids curfews and I think it’s great. What she would do is set an alarm next to her bed. If the kids were going to have a late night, she would set their alarm and it was their responsibility to turn off the alarm when they got home, or be late and feel the wrath of the parents. If they knew they were going to be late they had to let them know.

Another idea which I think is very cool is giving your child options. Let them choose their outfit, after you had laid out a few options. Yes you can let them choose all on their own, but you might end up with Darth Vader in a Tutu for church.

Yes, I love it. But not for church. 😉

Offer different food, toys or activities for them to choose from.

Parents do not want to be the bad guys, and they don’t have to be.

The duty of a parent is to protect their child and to help them face the world they will be living in. Give your kids agency.

Step in when:

1. Something is too dangerous
2. It is going to effect the far future
3. Effects others

Love your kids, let them be free and wild.

-Sadie

$Budget$

What is the importance of a budget? And why is it important to go over the budget with your spouse?

Money is really the root of evil, most divorces are caused by financial circumstances. Which is very unfortunate, but I feel their pain.

Though Mason and I are not divorcing a budget is the hardest thing for us. We stay good, get most bills paid, but if we have money burning in our pocket it goes up in smoke so quick we hardly have time to realize it’s gone! I was glad to find out we aren’t the only ones. However we have been pretty good at sitting down with each other and somewhat planning a budget.

One thing I’ve realized that’s most important is understanding why the other person is spending money. Mason has a huge problem with me buying stuff on sale. Well, I was raised to build food storage, in case something happens and you can’t go buy food at the grocery store, or when you live about an hour from the nearest grocery store. Plus, let’s be real here I got a very hungry husband. Slowly he is recognizing why I buy a whole bunch of stuff on sale. He exaggerates and says I bought fifty cans of yams on sale one time, which is a bunch of bologna. (Which I do NOT buy)

Another thing I’ve learned is be ready while you’re single. My money before I was married went to a lot of clothes and shoes. Now not so much. My friend got married about a month ago and she was able to quit her job two weeks before the wedding get an apartment and still have around two thousand dollars in her account, just to cushion them while she found a job and her husband worked and went to school.

I wish I was that prepared. But now I just got a full wardrobe to go through and get rid of while buying new modest clothes. (I thought they were modest till I got married!)

If you stick to your budget, you realize where you can cut a few things out, which in the long run saves you money. Discussing and planning your budget brings couples closer and helps them have a better understanding of each other. 🙂

-Sadie

 

Family Under Stress

Let’s first off define what we mean by stress.

Stress is are current feeling. A stressor is what has caused our stress.

Stress can be a good thing, it is impossible to be stress free. If we were we’d be dead. It is something we need everyday.

When the family is under stress how do we handle it? That is the biggest key to not have a bad stress. The way we respond is how we can find resolve. If we freak out and run around like are heads have just been cut off we’ll get nowhere.

We have our event, the stress and the stressors that have lead up to it.

Now let’s look at our resources.

Then how will respond with what we have.

That will get us our end result and less stress. 🙂

Right now Mason and I are going through a move. Leaving our quiet little farm life to move back to the big city. JK it’s not that big. But we have a lot of other things going on right now. School, work and trying to get a Brother-in-law from North Carolina over to Idaho.

So our event which we are most concerned about is moving. What are the stressors of moving. We first need a new job, second a place to live and third we need to move everything out of our current house.

Resources

1. We have a job (resolved)
2. We are moving in with my parents for the time being
3. We’ve contacted church members and family members to assist in the move

I would say we are pretty good on the move. We’re still stressed, but we are getting there! We did not run around freaking out, at first I thought I might, but so far we’re doing pretty good.

It is not the end of the world whatever your family crisis is. Sometimes you just need to stop and breathe and everything will smooth out how it needs to be.

-Sadie

The farm life. We’re so lovely. The dog isn’t coming with us 😦 now that is a crisis.

Elaborate Engagements and Weddings

Getting engaged is such an exciting thing in life. Two people who are in love are starting their devotion to each other, it is such a special intimate moment between two people, for about two seconds because they is a photographer hiding in the bushes to capture every single moment, so when the couple gets home they can blow their social media accounts up.

In today’s go go world nothing is a secret, it is broadcast all over the internet. Everybody trying to be the next sensation, trying to out do each other that it really overshadows the real reason they are getting engaged. It’s nothing special when a million people know about it.

It’s kind of like Johnny Lingo. All the women talking about how many cows their husbands paid for them, bickering all the while, trying to one up the other. Today’s society it’s the size of ring and how he/she proposed. Really?

It is such an intimate personal moment, that is ruined by social media, because that’s all anybody cares about. Look at me I’m engaged, then there’s the never ending post on how much they love their significant other that go on for every day, week and month till the wedding. Do you know how many people you depress with your gushy love? I have friends who are severely depressed because they think they will never amount to this kind of love. It creates this false sense of love, when you broadcast it to the world what does that do to your relationship? Absolutely nothing. And who cares? Really no one except grandma.

Months of engagement has past and we are to the wedding. How much money have you spent, or your parents? Watching Say Yes to the Dress kills me every time someone goes over a $2,000 budget on a dress. That’s how much I spent and yes I got the dress of my dreams, from my own pocket, I did not put myself  or parents into debt. But the extents people go that they are put into debt.

Every guests receives a small favor that range from a bag of Kisses to a flipping jar of honey. How do people afford this?

And every center piece is so tall we can’t see each other, the cake is so blinged out you’d think you were at a beauty pageant. Everything is so elaborate we get blindsided and forget about why we’re there. It’s a wedding, not a club.

What does any of this say about how much you love a person. Some of the best weddings I have been to have been those that didn’t have a large budget. The family came in and gave their talents as a gift to the couple.

Seriously nobody needs a rock on their hand that cost $2,000 to be told this is how much I love you. Besides it’s just screaming “You better not lose me!”

More than one love <3

When thinking of love the first thing I think of is relationships. Like the lovey dovey relationship. Which is one type of love.

There are four categories of love. And I find that very interesting, not surprising but interesting.

The four types of love are Storge, Philia, Eros and Agape.

Storge. Is considered a parental type of love, the want of growing and learning.

Philia. A friendly love. One you would have for a friend or sibling. Both are different yes, but you’re going to love a friend or a brother, different than a lover.

Eros. This is the romantic love. Romantic, sexual or passionate in nature.

Agape. Caring for your fellowman, being of service.

While learning about these different types of love, I began thinking. Can I have all these types of love in my marriage? Obviously I have an Eros love with Mason, but some couples may not, I really hope they do it is important. But would I say it’s the most important? I honestly find it more important to have Phila love before anything else, because that love can then become an Agape love, which can become even a Storge love. Eros, plays apart of the attraction, so it’s kind of already there and can become stronger as all the types of love become present.

To me it’s more important to have a friend than a lover, both are important, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving myself, the part myself that is so sacred to someone that I didn’t know and trust. Someone who is my friend, who cares about me and my well-being. All these types of love in one relationship, the relationship of marriage can make a love go stronger. The R.A.M model, designed by Dr. Jon Van Epp shows how relationships should be. The idea is that the each part of the model should not be higher than the one before it. First, you must know a person, then you can begin to trust them, then rely, then you can commit, then you can share in some form of touch. Not all relationships are perfect, and it can constantly be changing. It’s just an idea of how we can look at different relationships in our lives, whether they be friends, co-workers, family, spouses etc.

Look at where your relationships are with people. What type of relationship you have with them, where your relationship is on R.A.M spectrum. You learn a lot about yourself and others.

After looking at my relationship with my husband, I would like to think that I have all four types of love with him. Our R.A.M to me is sitting where all are pretty high, don’t think because they are low means you are in a bad relationship, it’s just a growing relationship and will continue growing if you let it.

-Sadie

Baby, you weren’t born this way.

I’ve discovered in my classes we tend to speak about controversy quite a bit. As marriage and family advocates we fight against the tide. More because we do want to fight for traditional marriage and family.

This past week has been a lot on how homosexuals are not born gay. I’m not saying they don’t have homosexual tendencies, it’s just there is no gay gene, there is not gay part of the brain. What it comes down to is the same with other people, our development.

In the video above are four men that have overcome being homosexual. They all believe it had to do with their past and their childhood. The main reasons I took from this was child molestation and de-masculinity.

Child molestation is a hard pill for everyone to swallow. No one really wants to admit they were molested as a child, no one does. And many have buried it deep in their mind that they may not remember it, and one of the men in the video even said, he had no clue he had been molested as a child, he only knew because his sisters had told him. He commented that people may not know they were molested and link this to being gay. This is paraphrased of course.

Being de-maculated, meaning not feeling manly. Maybe someone had an over masculine brother, father, friend. They felt inferior, began questioning themselves and who they were.

These are just the two I thought were the most contributing. I’m not saying every child that has been molested will become gay, or that a gay man was molested as a child. What I am saying is there are contributing factors.

I’m not gay, I’m also not an expert in this field either, but from what I understand from homosexuals I know and also from media, people are uncomfortable about coming out that they have homosexual tendencies. Some may be okay with being gay, but others fight against it because they do not want to be gay. They don’t feel it’s right.

That’s what conversion therapy is, to help those who simply do not want to live this lifestyle. No one should be forced into something they don’t want, but the option should never be taken away from someone who would like to change. It is not fair, and to them it is a condition they do not want, just like someone doesn’t want to have anxiety. They do something to change. Therapy is a safe choice.

 

 

Are we happy where we are?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37ZpauS5Doo Tammy’s Story

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqs4_Zs2GvI Tammy and her family in 2013

While watching the story of Tammy, I felt very bad for her. Here I am sitting in my house, which is too big for just Mason and I, two cars sitting in our garage, more clothes then I need, and then there is Tammy. Run down home, children embarrassed by her, walks miles and miles to work (in the rain sometimes), working at a fast food restaurant. Her life is just sad to me. Here I have an abundance of things to be thankful for, and she really has none. But, she’s happy. She is proud to be where she is in life. Are we happy where we are?

Tammy talks a lot about how she has already done better by her children then her father was raising her. She even says her dad would be proud of her with what she has accomplished.

Listening to her kids, they just want to get out of the life they are living. Especially her older son. He wants to go to college. He wants a good job, he was striving for a better life. But when we look where he is in 2013, he has improved, but not to what he thought he would have. He dropped out of high school, so he could take care of his daughter. Which is better then what he had, no father at all. At least from what we could see from the video. As his younger brother who used to do drugs, and got clean when his baby was born. Both of them have become a little better for their kids. Following their mom, who wanted to do what she could for them.

Are we happy where we are? Are we more comfortable in the social class we are in? I look at Tammy and her family’s life and I couldn’t imagine living like that, but that is what they are used to. They might be uncomfortable living how I live. I’m not rich, but I have a car, I graduated high school, I am attending college. My life is pretty good. I’m happy where I am. Yes, I want to better then where I’m at now, but that doesn’t mean I want my whole life to change. What I mean by that is I don’t need to be striving to be Bill Gates. I don’t know what do with all that money.

I am living about how my parents did, the same social class. I work for what I have, because that’s how I grew up. Lately I have experienced what it is like to not work as much as I used too. I’m a farmers wife and while he works I stay home. When I stay home I have hours and hours to myself, which is really strange. I don’t know what to do with myself. I mostly sit and watch Netflix all day. It’s something I wasn’t used to.

If you give me a million dollars, I would pay my bills, go on shopping spree and go eat out. Then I would sit there and wonder what I was supposed to do with the rest of the money!

A rich person may suggest, join a country club. Well, how do I act around those people, they’re a lot more posh then myself. I wouldn’t know what fork to use, I would order a nice fat hamburger with bacon and onion rings. Everybody would think I was just a weirdo. Because I was not raised in that type of class.

I would still love a million dollars let’s be real everyone 😉

If I really did have a million dollars, I would take care of what I needed to take care of. Then help others really. Because that’s who I am, that’s who my parents and family are. I would follow how they would do something.

Everyday I try to be better. My parents both had a couple years of college, they wanted me to finish college and find a career I would like. Have a family. That’s my class. That’s how things work for me, for my family and my community.

Evaluate where you’re at. Are you happy? Have you tried to be better then what you remember growing up?

-Sadie

Don’t Set them Up for Failure

Why Marriage Matters 30 Conclusions from the Social Sciences, One of the conclusions states “ Growing up outside an intact marriage increases the likelihood that children will themselves divorce or become unwed parents.”

What are your thoughts on this? To me it really hit me. To a point yes, I agree with this. Looking at statistics and such it isn’t fact, but it is a trend. When someone’s family is not intact they do tend to not get married, end up in divorce, children out of wed lock. It does happen, but are we setting kids up for failure by saying this? By coming up with these conclusions.

It’s unfair to say that. Yes, it is only a likelihood. But how many will think that because of a conclusion from a social scientist it will determine their future?

Mason, my husband, had a single mom. He hasn’t seen his real father since he was five years old. They were never married. He didn’t have a father figure until he was about nine years old when his mom married his step-dad. He was past most of his pivotal development points by then. Yet, he has chosen to strive for something better. He wanted a marriage, he wants a family. We’ve already completed step one, and I can tell you, after a year of marriage he strives to make our marriage better. He wants for us to stay together, and so do I. I consider him not apart of the “likelihood” because he will do anything to keep us together.

It’s hard for me to hear that conclusion, because my husband is considered in that conclusion. And he is defying it.

This conclusion is like saying, “Because the parents partake of alcohol or drugs, the children will likely do alcohol or drugs.” Is that true? In some cases yes, but is it because we plant the idea in their minds? Or is it because of the parents? And we continue on this endless cycle?

Some marriages and relationships do not work (abuse, infidelity, etc.) Divorce and separation are sometimes the answer. But we should not treat marriage like it is something to do, and if you don’t like it then you have an easy opt out option. Is that what we want for our children? Divorced or not, we need to teach them how to be prepared for marriage and relationships so they don’t need to seek that option. Especially if children are involved.

-Sadie

Is the world too populated?

Discussion based on New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter Parts 1&2. http://www.byutv.org/watch/59b6b917-984a-478f-93b1-521a647779c4/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter-part-1

Have you heard of the fear people have that the world is overpopulated? That there will not be enough resources for everyone? That we will eventually run out of space? I know I have. Have I given much thought about it? Not really.

Watching this show (cited above) made me really contemplate does it matter how many children I have? Mason and I have had this discussion. We both have settled around 3-4 kids. Also discussing when our family should start. Questions I’m sure a majority of couples have gone over. It is our family and we choose what’s best for us as a family unit, whether you have kids or not. Right?

In 1968 a book was published called the Population Bomb by Paul Ehrlich and David Brower. You could say their book made people think about overpopulation, even becoming concerned of overpopulation. Well, what happened four years before this book was published? The end of the Baby Boom.

In this interview Ehrlich compares wanting more children is like robbing a bank. This is about six to seven minutes into the video and my mouth just dropped. So if I want five children I am not allowing another person to have one child. He believes it is our ethical responsibility to limit the amount of children we have. Ethical meaning what the world thinks is right? What about our morals?

Yes, I am LDS. I’m sure we all know a family with four or more kids in the ward. Its something the world thinks about us. We just keep having kids. Which is quite true if possible.

Genesis 1:27-28 “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.”

“And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.”

I know everyone is not religious, but if you don’t multiply and replenish we’re going to take over the world 😉 just kidding… kind of.

To me I’ve been taught to get married and have a family my entire life. Not only because of church, but even celebrities do it. The people the world looks up to.

What I’m getting at is do you think your personal decision on how many children you have effects another person’s ability to have children?

I have to say no it doesn’t. Am I going and telling someone “Hey, I want to have five children so you can’t have one.” I’m not, if anything I want to tell people to have a family. Know the joy of children.

Are we really running out of resources? Some may say yes. Look at Africa, children starving on the street. India look at the children picking up garbage so they can eat. I’m sure we can think of many places where people are starving. Is it by their choices, or by the governments choices? I look at America. Land of the free. We have numerous places to go for food that we can’t possibly choose.

I grew up in the food business. My dad worked in different restaurants, and I worked in one too. I cannot tell you how many times I threw away half a pizza, or almost a full sandwich because someone thought they could eat that much. Constantly throwing away food. In my small town we didn’t really have any homeless people to give leftover food to, like businesses in big cities. There really is an abundance of food resources if everyone could afford it.

Which moves onto the topic of unemployment. Is it because of overpopulation? Someone may fight that well it’s hard to get a job because they won’t hire me because they aren’t looking for people to hire or they don’t want me.  Have you looked at what jobs there are? There a lot. The farming industry, janitorial workers, fast food restaurants. Are you trying or choosing?

They explained in the show about how the world is actually losing their workers because as they retire they don’t have someone to replenish it. I thought about why that is. There aren’t people educated in a certain job area, lack of experience, lack of motivation. When I looked for jobs, the only things available were manager positions. Well, I may have not needed a college education, but I had to have manager experience. No one is being able to learn it and move up in the position.

There were a lot of factors into if fertility rates and overpopulation had any impact on the world in general. I thought if this was a problem why wouldn’t government step in on it. But they have. China’s One Child Policy. Because China really is overpopulated.  I learned about it in ninth grade and I was disgusted by it. Most families wanted a boy, to carry on their name. So if they knew they were having a girl they could abort her, or they keep here and get in pregnant again in hopes having a boy, and they can leave her in an orphanage where she would not be taken care of. Look it up sometime if you want to be depressed and want to adopt a child from China.

Look into this. I don’t have all the facts. Comment and share what you know, so we can all learn from each other. Contemplate this.

My stance on the matter is, if God knew we would overpopulated why would He tell us to “multiply and replenish the earth”? I believe in my Heavenly Father, even if he said this at the beginning of the world it applies to me today. It maybe the thing to do in the world to have no kids or only one, but if I can I’ll have as many as God wants me to, because it is my moral responsibility to bring spirits destined to be in the Myers family to Earth, to love them and raise them to be moral beings in our family and in the world. Think of your impact on those waiting to be created to be brought here one day. It is your choice, yours and only yours. If you discuss with God that is your choice, too. Remember that.

-Sadie